Claiming
In a scrapbook that I have been working on for a child there is a somewhat blurry photograph of two feet. This photograph is incredibly significant as it serves as a connection. More so, this photograph is the proof of belonging for a thirteen-year-old adopted child. After his parental rights where terminated for neglect and severe substance abuse this child went into a series of foster placements before finding his permanent home through adoption. In his early teen years his biological family saw him in public and immediately recognized him. In a deliberately respectful manner the biological family did not approach this child, but pursued contact with him through his adoptive parents. A year later after much conversation between this child’s adoptive family and biological parents a meeting took place. With the support and encouragement of his adoptive parents this young man was able to meet his birth mother, grandmother, and siblings.
He asked on the drive to meet them if they had changed. His parents were able to talk with him about the details of his young birth mother’s life at the time she gave birth to him. They were able to process with him questions that he may have for his birth family and feelings that he would possibly experience. The visit occurred. Introductions where made. Questions were asked. This child had an experience that not many other adoptive children receive in that he was able to sit and hear his biological family apologize that they were unable to care for him and that they have thought of him daily. Even more so, they expressed how happy they were that such a wonderful family had adopted this child.
As the visit drew to close a rather silly discussion came up about a family trait that causes the pinkie toe to not touch the ground when the feet are flat. Curious this child’s biological family removed their shoes and he followed. They sat together in both excitement and hysterical laugher as they compared feet. The pictures mentioned before is of this child standing next to his birth mother. Their feet are hard to tell apart and both little pinkie toes have the exact same formation causing them to not touch the ground. In that moment a sense of belonging occurred for this young man.
He left arm in arm with his adoptive parents. This experience did not cause him to want to leave his family or anything of the like. It did, however, give him a way to claim that which he came from prior to adoption. In a photograph of two feet this child has proof of his roots, his heritage, his genetics, and people that although were unable to care for him brought him into this world. I spoke with this family as they drove home from this visit. When asked what they were going to do next this child said that his mother was going to cook a family favorite- Chili Mac. Once again, in an absolute moment of normalcy claiming took place. This child found belonging in both pinkie toes and the evening dinner. He discovered a portion of his history that had been missing for years and he was able to discover this from the safety and security of that which he belonged to- his loving permanent adoptive family that was going home to eat some Chili-Mac.
Not many adopted child are able to have this claiming experience between both their adoptive family and their biological family. Adopted children and their adoptive family, however, can and need this continual affirmation between them. In her book, Raising Adopted Children, author Lois Ruskai Melina writes on the importance of claiming. Naturally this occurs when a child is brought into the world. Think, if you will, of what some of the first statements people make when they see a newborn through the viewing room at the hospital. In addition to statements about the child’s beauty you will no doubt hear a statement such as “She looks just like her father.” This is the family’s way of bringing the child into the fold as they have an immediate way in which to identify together. Adopted children and adoptive parents need to experience this claiming as well. For both parents and children this continual process says, “You are a part of us, connected, and belonging.” As claiming can be done through the identification of many aspects we encourage you to be an active observer of your child today. Watch for small mannerisms and ways in which they reflect your family unit. Let your child know in a casual and loving tone how much they belong. This is done through simple statements such as, “when you laugh you sound just like your sister.”
According to a study in Great Britain there is a link between how much adoptee’s perceived themselves as similar to their adoptive families. The more perceived similarities the happier they were with their adoptions. Go ahead and let your child know how much they belong, not only because you chose them and adopted them, but that they actually are part of something bigger which can be seen through their facial expressions, voice tone, opinions, thoughts, and perhaps even pinkie toes.
Sources: Raising Adopted Children by Lois Ruskai Melina
Study: The Adopted Child Comes of Age, Great Britain
