One of Each

I am a single mother, and I live in Atlanta. I adopted my daughter Alesia from Russia in 2004, when she was 13 years old. I recently added a little boy to our family.

In 2005, I decided to sell my condo and buy a house with my mother, who was looking for a retirement home. A few weeks after we moved in, my mother fell and broke both shoulders – a disaster. My daughter had been home less than a year and still wasn’t speaking English too well. My house held many boxes to unpack. I was working full time. For several days, I was in shock, spending hours at the hospital while a friend cared for my daughter.

When he was able, my only sibling, my brother Bruce, came over from his home of Columbia, SC [three hours away] to help me with everything. If he had not come, I would have had to take a leave from work, unpaid, and I couldn’t afford that. I was so heavily dependent on him throughout the crisis that it really made me think. I began to feel strongly that my daughter needed a sibling. I am in my 40’s and obviously won’t be around forever.

Once my mother was out of danger and on her way to recovery, I started researching, trolling the internet looking at photolistings of children available for adoption. I decided to adopt another Russian speaking child, to help my daughter with bonding, and because I also speak a little bit of Russian. It’s heartbreaking, looking at all the photos and wondering, which child should I choose? Which child would fit in our family?

Finally, I prayed about it. I asked God to give me some help, some sign to know which child to choose. The moment I opened my eyes, I saw a listing of a little boy named Igor. He was missing his right hand due to a frostbite accident while in the care of his alcoholic birthmother. He looked very similar to how my brother looked at age 9 – same burr haircut, freckles, unsmiling little face. He was born in July 1996 – the exact same month my father died. This was my son. I felt it.

It took some time and prayer to get my mother and my daughter onboard with the idea of adopting little Igor. He was not too adorable in the photo. My daughter, who had never seen anyone with a limb difference, was appalled. In Russia, people who are in any way not “normal” are hidden away, out of sight, usually in remote institutions. My mother just worried that raising a “handicapped” child would be too difficult.

I looked at other listings, but little Igor stayed in my mind. I prayed and prayed about it, for months. Finally, one night Alesia was in my room, sitting next to me at the computer as I looked at photolistings. I deliberately went back to Igor’s listing. She shrank back. “No Mom, not that boy!”

I said gently, “Alesia, a lot of people will simply not adopt a child who is 9 years old. He has no chance if he stays there. People thought I shouldn’t adopt you because you were older – but you needed a mom. You needed a family to love you. Don’t you think this little boy would love to have a mom? Think about that.”

Alesia changed her mind. My mother gradually accepted the idea. I knew they were both scared for me to go overseas for several weeks. I wasn’t thrilled with the idea. However, I just knew this was the child for us. The agency coordinator cut the fees so I could afford it. I cashed in a 401-K rollover and started the paperwork.

Last summer, while waiting for my INS clearance, I wrote and published a children’s book, aimed at helping my son adjust to America. I based it on personal experience, and did a lot of research. I called it Jack’s New Family, An Older Child Adoption Story. It’s written from the standpoint of Ilya, an 8 year old Russian boy who has lived his whole life in an orphanage in Russia. Now that he’s been adopted he must adjust to life in America with his new mom and older sister, learn English, and try to become an American boy named Jack. As he tells the story in his own words, he marvels at the many differences between an American home and a family, and his experiences as an orphan.

I knew what a tough transition it would be for my son. When I had adopted Alesia, she had never been to a restaurant, rarely used a napkin, and never lived in a place with decent plumbing. She had only ridden in a car a few times in her life. I was totally unprepared for how unsophisticated she would be. I have learned so much since she came home. That knowledge went into making Jack’s New Family a unique book.

In February 2007, when I finally got word I could travel, I was thrilled to finally be able to get my son home. I had just gotten the published copies of the book and had a copy for my son ready.

After a grueling total of 15 hours flying and a one day layover in Astana, I arrived in Petropavlovsk, Kazakhstan. I spent a month in Petropavlovsk – the coldest March of my entire life! I had never seen so much snow. It never melted. Petropavlovsk is just below Siberia. I have lived in the south my whole life.

Every day, as I spent time with “Igor” at the orphanage, we became close. Kazakhstan has a mandatory 14 day bonding time required before court can take place, which is a very good thing. Every day, I told my son stories about my family, and gave him photos. He was fascinated.

On the 4th visiting day, I showed him a list of American names, explaining through the translator [ironically also named Igor] that life in America would be easier with a more American name. He chose “Michael” with no hesitation.

When the judge pronounced Michael mine a few weeks later, I jumped up and down and hugged everyone with me – the translator, the agency coordinator, the social worker from the orphanage. Finally, with tears in my eyes, I ran outside and grabbed up Michael and said in Russian “I am your MAMA!” He grinned and gave me a big hug. Just remembering it makes me want to simultaneously smile and cry.

Michael has been home since May 9th, and is adjusting beautifully to everything – even the Atlanta heat. Despite the fact that Michael spent his first 8 years with an alcoholic mother who severely neglected him, he has a sweet nature. He is the most loving and affectionate little boy. He is mischievous, too – he regularly pops his big sister on the fanny, vetoes wardrobe choices, and mimics his mother and grandmother’s southern accents – but not in a mean way. He also doesn’t let his missing hand stop him from doing anything.

Michael read Jack’s New Family in Russian a couple of times before he came home. I think it helped him to understand that America would not be full of cowboys and movie stars, and he wouldn’t get everything he wanted, every minute of the day. He has chores here. He has a bedtime. He has to eat vegetables. He also has a Mom, sister, and Granny who adore him.

Jack’s New Family, was published by United Writer’s Press. It’s a valuable resource for children who speak only Russian, because it’s in Russian and English. It’s great for parents, because it gives them an idea of how big a transition it is for an older child to go from living in an orphanage, to being in a family.

Jack’s New Family is also a great way to teach American kids about a different culture, and it tells a timeless story of an orphan finding a forever family. [You can order it at United Writer Press.]

I have recounted my son’s adoption adventure in my blogsite, Jack’s New Family, An Older Child Adoption Story.

I hope my story will inspire others [whether or married or single] to adopt older children, whether here or abroad. There are so many wonderful children who need and deserve a loving family. My children have enriched my life so much, and I have made it one of my life’s missions to help older children find homes.

~ Mary

My husband and I were foster parents first as we struggled for two years to become pregnant. We were blessed with three foster sons in 1997/1998. We still keep in contact with two of them. After having our daughter in 1998, we put foster care on hold and concentrated on our own child. We added a second biological child, a son, in 2001.

Even with our biological children, my heart still ached to help just one child, who out of no fault of his own, got a bum start on life. One day, while watching a new television show on TV called “Adoption Stories”, I felt the Lord was telling me the timing was right to start the adoption process. Not knowing the expenses that lay ahead we started with $1,200 dollars in the savings account.

As it turned out $1,200 dollars was what we needed for our homestudy. We began the homestudy in June of 2003. At this point we were very clear the Lord was leading us to a boy from Guatemala. In September 2003, we actually chose a 6 month old boy first from the Precious website and signed our agreement on him. As it turned out, this 6 month old had a grandmother who stepped up to the plate to take him home. We weren’t sad, we just knew we were meant to help two boys instead of just one.

So we began looking again on the Precious website and picked out 101G29 (our son!). He was born 8-28-2003. Although we really could have picked any child, there was just something about his newborn photo that caught my eye. He was so peaceful at rest. We signed the agreement and then the race began to get enough money. Although I can’t really explain how all the money became available, I can only say we kept taking a step of faith and the Lord continued to provide the money as each financial step occurred. By the time we were done, the Lord provided $27,000. Remember, we only started with $1,200.

October 2003 we had to pay half the attorney fees. It was really hard to send such a large sum of money overseas, and I prayed the Lord would give me peace about our decision. As it turned out, five minutes after I had the money on its way to Guatemala, our adoption worker called to update me on the process. We talked about all the money issues and she assured me the Guatemalan attorney was a reputable human being.

Then the agonizing wait began. One month, then two, three months, then four. Finally, Guatemala gave approval for our sons authentication fingerprinting which was a match to his biological mother by 99.9%. It was now February 2004 and the wait only got longer. My heart ached everyday to hold him. The pictures and video tape helped as I watched my son grow without my care. His foster family was wonderful to him, and I could tell he was receiving great physical and emotional care~ But I still ached to hold my son.

May 2004 I received a phone call that our adoption was complete and we would fly sometime in June. Anticipation mounted as the day approached! On June 14, 2004 I finally got to see and hold my son. Although I was anxious to see him, he was not so pleased to be with my husband and I. He cried for the first 24 hours non-stop. He would cry himself to sleep then wake up and cry again. I was not prepared for this rejection.

However, after the 24 hours of crying stopped, the bonding began. He was able to look at us without crying and actually smile. He became content in our arms and was happy to see us. Due to his strong willed personality and attachment needs, it took a good year for him to fully accept us as his family. I read once that it takes a year for an adopted child to get molded into his/her new family. I didn’t really believe that would be true of an infant until going through the experience. It is very true! The first year of bonding is critical regardless at what age you adopt your child.

Now he is a content 3 1/2 year old boy, still strong willed, but a joy to parent and have as a forever son!

To fully appreciate our adoption journey, I must take you back to the fall of 1992. During my last semester of college I lived with a single mother by the name of Caryn. At that time, Caryn had three adopted children through the Michigan Foster Care System. In the four months I lived there two other boys came through their home. Funny, I hadn’t thought of this until now, but I was particularly drawn to a young African-American boy about age seven.

One day Caryn pulled out a large white book. It was volume one of a set of four. It listed pictures and brief write ups of children available for adoption through the Michigan Foster Care System. One picture grabbed me. It was a picture of three little girls, ages 7, 4 and 2. The oldest wrote about their hobbies and interests, how they longed to have a family and to stay together. Had I been in the right stage of life I would have adopted them right then and there! I set out to pray for them regularly. I wonder if they were ever adopted? That began my adoption journey and my heart’s desire to adopt siblings.

Fast forward. Pete and I are married in 1993. By 2001 we had three biological children. Like many couples, Pete and I had talked about adoption vaguely but nothing specific. We had lived overseas and visited many different countries in Europe, Asia, and Latin America. We even visited an orphanage in Romania in 1991. But we did not have a pull to any specific country or nationality when it came to adoption. One day, I remember it well, I said to Pete, “I have this picture in my head of two little black boys. Does this mean anything to you?” His response was, “That’s the first time you’ve said anything that has appealed to me.” Great! With that image in our mind we went forward.

In August 2003 we attended the “If You Were Mine” Adoption Conference at Eastview Christian Church, in Normal Illinois. It was a wonderful day dedicated to adoption. That conference did two things for us. First, it convinced my husband of God’s heart for the orphans and our responsibility regarding adoption. Secondly, it convinced me that we needed to wait; that our family was not ready.

My only disappointment with the conference was that a substantial amount of time was devoted to statistics and the orphan crisis in Africa. But then nothing was mentioned about how to adopt from there. No agencies, no information, nothing. In doing LOTS of research I quickly realized our options were pretty much limited to Sierra Leone, Liberia or Ethiopia. We considered all three but in the end landed on Ethiopia, perhaps because the children are so beautiful, perhaps because of the deep, historical significance of this country, perhaps because that is where our children were and the Lord wanted us to find them. After several years of research and waiting, we decided in October 2005 to pursue an Ethiopian adoption.

My oldest daughter, Micah, turned eight on February 6, 2006. She had asked as a birthday present to know who we would be adopting. On Monday, February 6th, we accepted a referral of a seven year old boy, Yared. We looked at ten different boys and sibling groups but Yared had a sparkle in his eye. He even looks like our six year old son! I have been praying for several years that “Judah” would have hope. We love the story of Judah being born to Leah and Jacob. After give birth to three sons, trying desperately to gain her husband’s affection, Leah gives up and names the fourth son, Judah, saying “I will praise the Lord”. This boy was happy and looked as though he had hope. We knew he needed to be in our family. I knew he was our Judah.

At that point we were also considering another little boy, aged 3-5. But something held us back. We told Micah on her birthday that we knew who we were adopting. She said, “Is there a girl, mommy?”

“No, sweetie, there is one boy and possibly two.”

“That’s okay. But I prayed this morning for a seven year old sister.”

On Tuesday we received an email from our adoption agency, CWA, saying they do not recommend people adopt two children the same age, but since this other boy is younger it should be fine. But, we still were not convinced. On Wednesday I had an email saying, “I know what I just said about adopting children the same age, but I’m wondering if you are only interested in boys. I have a seven year old girl whose family backed out because they cannot come up with the money. I have other families interested in her, but I wanted to ask you first. Her name is Bethlehem Daniel.” We wondered why they asked us over other families? Because, the Lord was answering a little girl’s prayers!

I FLIPPED OUT! I recognized this young girl’s name. A month and a half earlier Micah had seen Bethlehem on a DVD and had been begging us to adopt her. I had told Micah that Bethlehem has a family so let’s be happy for her, that we were not adopting a seven year old girl (Micah was still seven at this time). I told her that if she wanted a sister she’d have to ask God for her. Apparently, she did! I called Pete and exclaimed, “We have to consider this. This is Micah’s girl!” It didn’t take us long to realize that Bethlehem was meant to be in our family also.

We pulled Micah out of school early to tell her the news. Through tears I asked her, “Micah, what have you been praying about?”

In her very stoic manner, she answered, “That we’d adopt a girl.”

“That’s right. (More tears.) And who have you been praying for?”

“That girl on the video.”

“She’s going to be your sister, Micah! Bethlehem is going to be your sister!”

We chose name Mattea for our new daughter. Mattea means “gift of god”. Gift of God- that describes Bethlehem to a tee!

There you have our adoption story and journey to find Judah Yared Cocco and Mattea Bethlehem Cocco. I can’t wait to tell them the story from our perspective and to ask Bethlehem what it was that she had been praying for from Ethiopia!

As I watch my daughter Abbie, 2, play and talk with her big sister Ashley, it’s hard to believe this little bundle of energy joined our family only months ago. She runs to the door to greet her Daddy. She’s a miracle.
In January 1993 upon receiving the new issue of Hi Families, I turned, as usual, to the “Some Children Wait” section to read about the special children and pray for each of them. Perhaps I’ve always known someday there would be a child meant for especially for us. The picture of Suh, Mee-rim (now Abbie Rachelle Rice) jumped out at me immediately. She was so beautiful. I looked up the term “retinopathy of prematurity.” I already felt a sense of commitment to this adorable baby.

Waiting for my husband, Jim, to come home that day was difficult. I read to him about Suh, Mee-rim and showed him her picture. He said he would call Holt first thing Monday and find out more about her.
That weekend we talked to the family practice doctor I work for, and our friend who is an optometrist. They both told us how serious her visual impairment could be. We prayed. Jim and I told each other we would wait to make a decision when we had her records and could talk to specialists. But already in our hearts we knew she was to be our daughter.

By Monday I was a bundle of nerves. I couldn’t stand the thought of waiting for days to receive information on Abbie, and the chance that someone else might be starting the process. The next thing I knew, Jim called me at work to tell me Holt had faxed him all the records, and would put her on “hold” for us. That evening we did all the practical things: looked over her records, planned to talk to a specialist about her eyes, another specialist about her hepatitis B. Emotionally our decision had been made; we wanted our baby home as soon as possible.

That week we talked to an ophthalmologist who told us we should expect the worst and hope she might have some vision. We contacted Oregon School for the Blind and read everything they sent to help prepare us. We became familiar with Retinopathy of Prematurity, Retrolental Fibroplasia, Esotrophia, and Hepatitis B. Our friends, family, and church prayed for this baby. We prayed daily that God would keep her in His care and bring her home soon.

By January 18 we had completed all our paperwork for the home study, and scheduled our first appointment. By the end of February all our paperwork was completed.
We prayed the Lord would work out the financial details, and found out we qualified for a grant from Holt’s Adoption Fund for Children with Special Needs for a portion of Mee-rim’s adoption fees. In March we signed our placement agreement and, a few days later, we received our visa approval, only five weeks after applying. We were now waiting for Korea’s paperwork to be complete. This like all the paperwork so far, had been processed much more quickly than expected. On April 28, we were on our way to our daughter’s birth country, Korea. Indeed the Lord had a plan.

Many questions were in our minds as we flew to bring our little girl home. How would she adjust at 15 months of age, having lived with her Korean foster family her whole life thus far? How would we communicate? What kind of personality would she have? Would she be blind, and how would our family adjust if she was? Our first daughter, Ashley was only 4 months old when she came home, and we knew this was going to be a much more difficult adjustment.
Now eight months later, we have some of these answers. God hears our prayers. Abigail can see! She does require glasses and close follow-up, but our baby girl sees well enough to do everything any other 2 year old would do. She is a bundle of energy, has adjusted well, eats everything, and says close to 100 English words already. (Her favorite is “No!”) She has bonded wonderfully with our family. We feel that she is very special and love her dearly. Certainly we have had some challenges along the way, but never have we doubted our decision. Abbie is where the Lord planned for her to be, and she is thriving.

Just as God planned for Abbie to be with our family, I believe He has a plan for each of the other waiting kids. I thank Holt for its work on behalf of these kids who have so much potential. Their greatest need is to have a family willing to commit to them, love the, and allow them to reach their potential.
Also, a big THANK YOU to everyone who has contributed financially and with prayers to Holt’s Adoption Fund for Children with Special Needs. You’ve brought joy to many families.

This article was reprinted with permission from Holt International Children’s Services magazine, Hi Families, Jan/Feb 1995 issue. To subscribe to Hi Families or find out more information on adopting from Holt, contact them at (503)687-2202. You can also write their main office at PO Box 2880, Eugene, OR 97402.

Being state-certified to work in independent adoptions in Iowa, I contacted Holt on behalf of clients who had tried unsuccessfully for years to adopt internationally. I decided to learn about Holt to do some comparisons and perhaps referrals for adoption.
I subscribed to Hi Families as a part of this professional process, however, our whole family reads each magazine. When our third issue arrived (March/April 1993), I wept as I read of baby girls dying in China. I could not get out of my mind the words of Harry Holt recalled by David Kim: “Who is going to answer to God for the lives of all these children?”

Having been raised in a Christian home, I knew the answer to that question – we all were. God will require of us an accounting of what we do with what He has given us.

Several of my clients had hoped for baby girls, so I called the Oregon office and spoke with Becky Tucker (Becky, who was Waiting Child Coordinator at that time, now works in Holt’s Romania Adoption Program). China was on hold then (China reopened for adoption early in 1994); so I asked about several waiting children: Abigail from the Philippines and Tsz Yan from Hong Kong. I rejoiced to hear that both children had families already.

Then I asked about Kong, Kyung-soo, the youngest waiting child in that magazine. I was not sure why I did so at the time since both of my families hoped for girls. Loving babies, I guess I wondered how Holt did with babies with special needs, but in Becky’s response I discovered Gods’s plan for why I asked. “We’ve had no inquiries at all for Kyung-soo.” said Becky. “Would you or your families be interested in adopting him?”
Stunned, I could only think, “Lord, are you trying to tell me something?”

Our four children ranging from a college freshman (adopted as a 16 month old), down to the youngest, age 5, were sure that God was speaking clearly. Our 9 year old spoke eloquently: “If they’ll let us have him, we have our crib, and lots of clothes, and a big back yard to play in.”
We began our deliberations. Kyung-soo has EEC syndrome. Our doctors had never heard of it, but Dr. William Howard, pediatrician in Des Moines and also a Holt father had. He faxed us information on the syndrome. We learned about cleft hands and cleft feet.

We consulted with Holt-Korea’s pediatrician Dr. Cho about other conditions that could exist in this syndrome. Kyung-soo had no cleft palate, no apparent skin or hair anomalies, no microcephaly. There was no way to tell yet if his teeth would be missing the layer of enamel. Holt-Korea was concerned that Kyung-soo was not yet bearing weight on his feet, and some questioned whether he would eventually be able to walk, even with the surgeries that he needed.
Nothing we heard stopped the love that was growing in our hearts for this little boy. We agonized about our financial ability to proceed with an adoption we had not planned or saved for. We spoke publicly in our church about Kyung-soo’s need of a home. As people began to offer their financial assistance and prayer support, we knew that God was calling us to be blessed with the task of raising another child for Him.

We first saw Kyung-soo’s picture on March 22. Our placement agreement was signed on June 16. He arrived home on September 16, almost 1 week shy of 6 months from our first contact. God is good!
Since “Matthew” means gift of God, we have chosen to call this little boy Matthew Kyung Soo. He arrived beaming and bouncing off the long plane trip, with a stewardess behind the escort. The stewardess said, “I just had to see who was going to get this one! You are going to have fun.”
She was right. Matthew is an energetic, outgoing, alert child, and we enjoy him a great deal.
When we brought Matthew to church, the members of our normally reserved congregation applauded as Jasper went to the front to announce, “This is Matthew.” Nothing more needed to be said. Two-year-old Nicole, another Holt adoptee from Korea, warmly welcomed Matthew. She arrived from Seoul about seven months earlier. “Baby!” Nicole says when she sees him at church.

Not a day goes by that we do not think about Matthew’s birth parents – their pain and loss, or about his special foster parents, to whom we have written. Our latest correspondence shared our joy for the fact that Matthew is now walking – another miracle of God in our son’s life. He can pick up large as well as tiny things with his special hands, and is learning to feed himself. Throwing balls is probably his favorite activity, and he does it with great determination and delight with either hand. At times, he tries to run while he is throwing. Surgeons have scheduled hand surgery in a month. then they will decide when to proceed with foot surgery.We are thrilled with Matthew’s progress so far and expect that surgery can only improve things – wonderful news for a child we prayed would not need to use a wheel chair.

In closing, we wish to thank Holt and encourage Holt’s staff in the important work that you are doing. Your pictures and faithful sharing of Holt’s vision that God desires love and mercy for needy children brings many of us to adopt. We continue to read each magazine and pray for the waiting children we see there. In the back of our minds is always the question, would someone we know perhaps be the right family for this child? May God bless you as you do the work He has given you to do!

This article was reprinted with permission from Holt International Children’s Services magazine, Hi Families, Jan/Feb 1995 issue. To subscribe to Hi Families or find out more information on adopting from Holt, contact them at (503)687-2202. You can also write their main office at PO Box 2880, Eugene, OR 97402.